A diagnosis

Yesterday Pip and I went to the Dr for 2 reasons; one to tell her about baby number 2 and the second to tell her that I think I have been dealing with post-natal depression.

After much discussion with the Dr. about how I have felt, more towards James' first few months than more recently, the Dr was in agreement that our assumption is indeed correct.  She was very supportive and kind which helped me to open up about all that has been going on since James arrival. 
Admitting some of the things I had rattling around my head about James and sometimes Pip sounded so very different when uttered out loud to how they were in my head.

On this occasion, best out in the open, where someone understands and can recommend different types of support to help myself and my family.

It's very hard to write this as I don't really know what to type and yet I feel its important to document whats been happening as it has had an effect on me and I worry about how it could effect James and little munchkin (Pips nickname for bubs) in the future.

I've now read a small amount of information on PND and it seems not feeling yourself is quite a common symptom, which is reassuring because for quite some time that's the only way I could have described it, if I had felt I could discuss with someone.  Low and "cup half empty" are probably 2 others.  The trouble is in the midst of it part of me was thinking; you're lacking sleep, other people have cry-y babies too, it'll pass...

It didn't, instead I got a little bit more anxious about anything as time crept by, i questioned my abilities as a mother - how could something I'd wanted to be for years be so opposite to how I imagined?, I took little pleasure in spending time with James and worried about what people thought of the mother who couldn't stop her baby crying - in my mind - all the time.

Very illogical, very un-Jill when in a more normal frame of mind but there it is.

By the time J was 6 months the worst had worn off but I still have a day or two of feeling low and emotional, with a bleak outlook but they pass.  However now I am pregnant with another and while this baby will be a summer baby and therefore weeks of endless rain, that made James and I housebound, are minimal I do not wish to repeat the experience and certainly don't wish James to get caught up in the moodiness and upset that could happen.  My son's earliest memories should involve laughter and fun and happy times, not an irritable shouty mother who never seemed happy or content.

So there we are, I am documented on the healthcare system and no doubt will have a slightly beadier eye from both the hubs and the healthcare staff as this pregnancy and first few weeks of the new baby roll by.

How you know your husband is a superhero...

These last few days we have been struck down (possibly a touch too dramatic a description) by a grim d and v bug.

James seems to have bought it in on Wednesday with the most epic vomming I have ever seen.  I slightly surreal moment that has you kinda watching it in amazment while your brain is saying "ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww".
Pip stepped in to sort it all out as I was mid-baking for a Coffee Morning on Friday.
 
 Moments later James was happy as larry rolling around after a ball and seemed right as rain for the next few days, apart from learning how to vom and doing so for the next 3 days until Pip foiled him on Saturday...

Pip woke up Friday feeling "not quite right" and was home an hour and a half later and spent most of the day in bed, into town J and I headed to finish off the Christmas shopping and home we came with a "get well soon" minion balloon (I always find flowers for men a bit odd). I was feeling a touch smug for feeling a-ok and got ready for the work Christmas do (I may have singed my ear twice and my forehead once while using the heated tongs) and had a jolly good, sober, night!

And then, sure enough, muggins came down with it Saturday.

Out the window went our plans to head to the Tree Festival at church and a trip to Poole to deliver gifts to Uncle Jon and Aunty Lisa.

Note early pregnancy and said bug are not a good blend.  I was doing ok until I smelt Pips fried egg sandwich (he was feeling better Saturday) and then that was me off to bed too.

Lovely stuff.

Step in superhero husband (fanfare please).  Despite feeling better, see above reference, Pip was still pretty beat but took on James-care (note last attempt at vomming was today) while I felt sorry for myself upstairs. All meals, nappies and full on entertainment were overseen by daddy.

After little sleep for me on Saturday night Sunday comes around and down the pan go the plans to attend the nativity with James.

Superdad steps in while I literally didn't get out of bed.  As he felt James probably needed some fresh air he wandered off to Shirley for supplies and left me writing Christmas cards and watching a Christmas movie.
On his return I was presented with a dozen red roses and a smiley baby who decided to share my bowl of dry cornflakes.

The rest of Sunday passed in slightly better form and today I have had a quiet day at home.  Tomorrow we move into the final 3 days (of chaos) at work before I thankfully have 2 weeks off over Christmas where I plan to fight off the lurgies (cold, migraine, ridiculous tooth ache...) that have caught us all the last few weeks and face 2015 fully fit and raring to go!

Off we go again!

6th Dec 2014

This weekend we have found out we are expecting Doherty baby number 2. 

While it’s a bit of a shock and very much sooner than expected, the man above clearly had other plans for us, I am starting this week happy and excited about the next few months and years to come.  If not in absolute denial of sleepless nights and juggling 2 under 2!

Another one of these!

 At the moment we shall concentrate on Christmas with James and all the excitement and ripped paper that it brings as well as some quality time with family, especially as Ali returns to the UK in 11 days.  Not that I’ve been counting down since the summer...

It is strange to think that something that is about the size of one of James’ fingernails at the moment can already have had such an effect on mine and Pip’s outlook.

Already we have briefly discussed cots and car seats and childcare – the practical things that pop up now we have had a baby.  Last time it was names and room decoration and other more romantic thoughts!

Pip said this weekend that he was looking forward to seeing James as a big brother, it was a very touching thought but not something I’ve gotten my head around yet.

Pregnant – yes, a new baby – yes, getting maternity clothes and newborn things out the attic when we put the xmas decs back up in Jan - yes.  Anything further than that is beyond me at the moment, I’m pretty sure planning for Christmas is the main distraction…

Christmas last year

 I plan to revive The Babycake Tales for this pregnancy but I cannot promise as many home bakes and I’m pretty sure I’ll run out of size comparisons very quickly.  I may simply refer to food generally, possibly baby rice cakes (revolting) or jelly molds (yum!) – 2 current favourites  of James.

So here we go, pregnancy number 2.  Here’s to a fun journey!