Yesterday Pip and I went to the Dr for 2 reasons; one to tell her about baby number 2 and the second to tell her that I think I have been dealing with post-natal depression.
After much discussion with the Dr. about how I have felt, more towards James' first few months than more recently, the Dr was in agreement that our assumption is indeed correct. She was very supportive and kind which helped me to open up about all that has been going on since James arrival.
Admitting some of the things I had rattling around my head about James and sometimes Pip sounded so very different when uttered out loud to how they were in my head.
On this occasion, best out in the open, where someone understands and can recommend different types of support to help myself and my family.
It's very hard to write this as I don't really know what to type and yet I feel its important to document whats been happening as it has had an effect on me and I worry about how it could effect James and little munchkin (Pips nickname for bubs) in the future.
I've now read a small amount of information on PND and it seems not feeling yourself is quite a common symptom, which is reassuring because for quite some time that's the only way I could have described it, if I had felt I could discuss with someone. Low and "cup half empty" are probably 2 others. The trouble is in the midst of it part of me was thinking; you're lacking sleep, other people have cry-y babies too, it'll pass...
It didn't, instead I got a little bit more anxious about anything as time crept by, i questioned my abilities as a mother - how could something I'd wanted to be for years be so opposite to how I imagined?, I took little pleasure in spending time with James and worried about what people thought of the mother who couldn't stop her baby crying - in my mind - all the time.
Very illogical, very un-Jill when in a more normal frame of mind but there it is.
By the time J was 6 months the worst had worn off but I still have a day or two of feeling low and emotional, with a bleak outlook but they pass. However now I am pregnant with another and while this baby will be a summer baby and therefore weeks of endless rain, that made James and I housebound, are minimal I do not wish to repeat the experience and certainly don't wish James to get caught up in the moodiness and upset that could happen. My son's earliest memories should involve laughter and fun and happy times, not an irritable shouty mother who never seemed happy or content.
So there we are, I am documented on the healthcare system and no doubt will have a slightly beadier eye from both the hubs and the healthcare staff as this pregnancy and first few weeks of the new baby roll by.
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