A diagnosis

Yesterday Pip and I went to the Dr for 2 reasons; one to tell her about baby number 2 and the second to tell her that I think I have been dealing with post-natal depression.

After much discussion with the Dr. about how I have felt, more towards James' first few months than more recently, the Dr was in agreement that our assumption is indeed correct.  She was very supportive and kind which helped me to open up about all that has been going on since James arrival. 
Admitting some of the things I had rattling around my head about James and sometimes Pip sounded so very different when uttered out loud to how they were in my head.

On this occasion, best out in the open, where someone understands and can recommend different types of support to help myself and my family.

It's very hard to write this as I don't really know what to type and yet I feel its important to document whats been happening as it has had an effect on me and I worry about how it could effect James and little munchkin (Pips nickname for bubs) in the future.

I've now read a small amount of information on PND and it seems not feeling yourself is quite a common symptom, which is reassuring because for quite some time that's the only way I could have described it, if I had felt I could discuss with someone.  Low and "cup half empty" are probably 2 others.  The trouble is in the midst of it part of me was thinking; you're lacking sleep, other people have cry-y babies too, it'll pass...

It didn't, instead I got a little bit more anxious about anything as time crept by, i questioned my abilities as a mother - how could something I'd wanted to be for years be so opposite to how I imagined?, I took little pleasure in spending time with James and worried about what people thought of the mother who couldn't stop her baby crying - in my mind - all the time.

Very illogical, very un-Jill when in a more normal frame of mind but there it is.

By the time J was 6 months the worst had worn off but I still have a day or two of feeling low and emotional, with a bleak outlook but they pass.  However now I am pregnant with another and while this baby will be a summer baby and therefore weeks of endless rain, that made James and I housebound, are minimal I do not wish to repeat the experience and certainly don't wish James to get caught up in the moodiness and upset that could happen.  My son's earliest memories should involve laughter and fun and happy times, not an irritable shouty mother who never seemed happy or content.

So there we are, I am documented on the healthcare system and no doubt will have a slightly beadier eye from both the hubs and the healthcare staff as this pregnancy and first few weeks of the new baby roll by.

How you know your husband is a superhero...

These last few days we have been struck down (possibly a touch too dramatic a description) by a grim d and v bug.

James seems to have bought it in on Wednesday with the most epic vomming I have ever seen.  I slightly surreal moment that has you kinda watching it in amazment while your brain is saying "ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww".
Pip stepped in to sort it all out as I was mid-baking for a Coffee Morning on Friday.
 
 Moments later James was happy as larry rolling around after a ball and seemed right as rain for the next few days, apart from learning how to vom and doing so for the next 3 days until Pip foiled him on Saturday...

Pip woke up Friday feeling "not quite right" and was home an hour and a half later and spent most of the day in bed, into town J and I headed to finish off the Christmas shopping and home we came with a "get well soon" minion balloon (I always find flowers for men a bit odd). I was feeling a touch smug for feeling a-ok and got ready for the work Christmas do (I may have singed my ear twice and my forehead once while using the heated tongs) and had a jolly good, sober, night!

And then, sure enough, muggins came down with it Saturday.

Out the window went our plans to head to the Tree Festival at church and a trip to Poole to deliver gifts to Uncle Jon and Aunty Lisa.

Note early pregnancy and said bug are not a good blend.  I was doing ok until I smelt Pips fried egg sandwich (he was feeling better Saturday) and then that was me off to bed too.

Lovely stuff.

Step in superhero husband (fanfare please).  Despite feeling better, see above reference, Pip was still pretty beat but took on James-care (note last attempt at vomming was today) while I felt sorry for myself upstairs. All meals, nappies and full on entertainment were overseen by daddy.

After little sleep for me on Saturday night Sunday comes around and down the pan go the plans to attend the nativity with James.

Superdad steps in while I literally didn't get out of bed.  As he felt James probably needed some fresh air he wandered off to Shirley for supplies and left me writing Christmas cards and watching a Christmas movie.
On his return I was presented with a dozen red roses and a smiley baby who decided to share my bowl of dry cornflakes.

The rest of Sunday passed in slightly better form and today I have had a quiet day at home.  Tomorrow we move into the final 3 days (of chaos) at work before I thankfully have 2 weeks off over Christmas where I plan to fight off the lurgies (cold, migraine, ridiculous tooth ache...) that have caught us all the last few weeks and face 2015 fully fit and raring to go!

Off we go again!

6th Dec 2014

This weekend we have found out we are expecting Doherty baby number 2. 

While it’s a bit of a shock and very much sooner than expected, the man above clearly had other plans for us, I am starting this week happy and excited about the next few months and years to come.  If not in absolute denial of sleepless nights and juggling 2 under 2!

Another one of these!

 At the moment we shall concentrate on Christmas with James and all the excitement and ripped paper that it brings as well as some quality time with family, especially as Ali returns to the UK in 11 days.  Not that I’ve been counting down since the summer...

It is strange to think that something that is about the size of one of James’ fingernails at the moment can already have had such an effect on mine and Pip’s outlook.

Already we have briefly discussed cots and car seats and childcare – the practical things that pop up now we have had a baby.  Last time it was names and room decoration and other more romantic thoughts!

Pip said this weekend that he was looking forward to seeing James as a big brother, it was a very touching thought but not something I’ve gotten my head around yet.

Pregnant – yes, a new baby – yes, getting maternity clothes and newborn things out the attic when we put the xmas decs back up in Jan - yes.  Anything further than that is beyond me at the moment, I’m pretty sure planning for Christmas is the main distraction…

Christmas last year

 I plan to revive The Babycake Tales for this pregnancy but I cannot promise as many home bakes and I’m pretty sure I’ll run out of size comparisons very quickly.  I may simply refer to food generally, possibly baby rice cakes (revolting) or jelly molds (yum!) – 2 current favourites  of James.

So here we go, pregnancy number 2.  Here’s to a fun journey!

Dear James.... (part 2)

You are now 1, you have started the second year of your life!  I hope for you that it is as fun and full of learning and changes as your first year was.

I thought I would take the opportunity to record some James details and perhaps share some pics from your little birthday party.

You weigh in at just over 9lb or 1 stone 4.  As your Aunty Ali says - quite the arm work out.  As you enjoy to fly through the air either in a  swing or pretend plane or pretend drop by us it really is quite the arm toning session!

Cuddles with Fat Bert

You stand at 72cm tall.  We measured you last night and marked it on a door, a new tradition that your dad and I will do every year around your birthday and subsequent siblings too.  We shall have quite the collection in 20 years time!

You have an amazing 11 teeth, the last 3 all molars have come through in the last 3 weeks. Ouch!  You enjoy brushing your teeth but we have to distract you with another toothbrush so we can actually do the job properly.

You crawl very well now and can get up quite some speed when it suits you.  Your standing and walking get better day by day. You enjoy heading up and down the hallway with your walker and have a great smile on your face as you manoeuvre up and down, though woe betide anything or one that gets in your way as you just ram it or them until it moves or we move you.

You love the bath, in fact you love the bathroom.  To the point that you cry if we remove you.  Soon you will learn that parents need some private time in the bathroom and it is not a spectator sport....!

You understand the words push, arms (when getting dressed), cuddles and up. Cat is probably a favourite word and they have learned - very quickly - how speedy you can be now you are crawling.  Sadly neither have realised there is an escape route open to them, the back door, and for a couple of evenings recently you and Toby have been back and forth up the hall and into the lounge while he thinks he can hide behind the hall curtain and on the lounge windowsill while you follow and see him immediately.  Poor Toby!

We have all enjoyed celebrating your birthday this weekend and you have been blessed with some thoughtful and generous gifts.  You have played with them all and seem to find them all equally interesting, though the bath ones are probably high up on your list.
Your dad and I were overjoyed at all the noisy ones you received and are sad to say that we may not have batteries in the house for the next few, well, years...!

We headed out to The New Forest Wildlife Park on Friday and took a slightly chilly stroll round all the animals, you enjoy watching and chatting to the otters and we managed to stroll round the deer park without one stealing anything from my handbag this time!  Our afternoon and evening were pretty chilled out but we did sing Happy Birthday to you while you wondered why we were making such a fuss!

A homemade James sized cake

Unsure about the candle!

But happy to eat the cake

At the last moment, while doing paper plates and napkin research I decided we'd go for The Hungry Caterpillar theme for your party on Saturday and set too purchasing appropriate plates, cups, napkins...  Having done a little research on Pinterest I decided to theme the food towards the food from the book too.  The end of last week saw me whipping up various batches of cakes and doing a slightly peculiar shop in Sainsburys!  But it was definitely worth it, I was very proud of what I achieved and our guests were very complimentary.  I think that maybe you were impassive to the most but the balloons you did enjoy batting about for most of the weekend.

The table

Our family!

Happy Birthday my love and here's to another wonderful year,

Mumma xx

Dear James... (part 1)

Dear James,

You in your first few moments

How strange it is to be writing a letter to you.  One short year ago we had no idea whether you were going to be a James or a (insert girls name, ours remains under wraps in case you have a little sister one day) and now a year later it is as though you have always been here. 

We are now a beautiful family of 3.

Your dad and my life has changed in so many ways; we now get excited if we're asleep when the clock has a 7 at the beginning to name but one! 

During your first year...

We have moved to a new house, many of your nap times I spent packing up books and kitchenware and then unpacking because I needed something I had already packed...  As we were moving it made me sad that you will have no memory of our old house, your dad and I have many fond memories there, it is where your dad proposed to me and the house we brought you home too when you were 2 days old but I am sure one day we will drive past and share the stories with you.

Your dad has changed job and now has a very poncy job title, Deputy Head of Commercial Development, and I have had a promotion too.  I have gone back to work and you have settled well into the new routine that involves nursery and childcare from your Granny C, you also get to spend a day with your dad which I think is great for both of you.  I think you have fared best with this new arrangement, lots of attention all for you while I have felt torn with work, keeping house and looking after you and your dad.  It is more because I like things to be just so and it has been a big change but we are all getting there! I definitely value my time with you 100% more now that it is more limited.

We have taken you on 2 holidays! The first was to the Isle of Wight where you experienced sand and the sea for the first time, you were fascinated by the sand and non-plussed by the sea.  Your dad and I took you to lots of different places.

The sea

The sand

And the wallaby

The second was down to Granny C's "van" in Highcliffe.  We had a great week, we took you to Monkey World where you loved watching all the different species moving around and we took you "swimming" most days.  We fed the swans and I indulged in some knitting and cake eating while your dad managed to read the paper!

We shall go to the latter a lot more over the next few years and I hope to provide you with occasion to make many happy memories.








Thank you dear boy of ours for enriching our lives, we love you so very much and look forward for every year to come as we watch you grow and learn

Mumma xx

One chapter ends and another starts...

...This weekend see's the last of my time with James as I return to work.

We've just spent a week away in Highcliffe (photos are from the week) and starting tomorrow all 3 of us have to find our feet with a new routine involving 2 working parents, though I will be doing 4 days rather than 5, James is off to nursery 2 mornings and then my wonderful mum is helping the bulk of the childcare.

Saying hi to the gibbon at Monkey World

I have been dreading this day for quite some time, partly due to my hours at work being more than I had hoped for, partly because my head is full of how to fit all the day-to-day things in; the washing, the cleaning, the ironing... and partly because it's just all change.  As for most of us, change is a bit scary.  

A quick paddle in the ocean

For me the whole going back to work thing is a concern; how will I fit back into my ever increasing team, based across 4 sites, how will I pick up all the processes that have changed etc.
For Pip, he has to negotiate work and childcare now, he is also in charge of nursery drop off on a Monday and a Wednesday, on a bike, lucky guy!

Testing out the slide

James, is in for a whale of a time really and is the one who I am least concerned about in many ways.  He is off to nursery to play for 2 mornings a week, he'll be staying for lunch both days and has a menu that I quite envy and then it's off to Granny C for the afternoons.  As Granny C has now uttered the immortal "You tell Granny what you would like and she'll buy it for you" on a trip to Kiddicare, it's safe to say she is firmly wrapped around his 10 month old little finger...  (thank goodness he couldn't understand!)

Napkin?  What napkin?

Playing with the onions today...?!

 So moving forward I become a working (yummy?!) mummy and we will continue along our journey as a family of 3, possibly with the help of a cleaner ;o)

Photo taken by The Cole Portfolio.

40 weeks in, 40 weeks out

This week marks the 40th week of James being with us as a living, breathing (crying, laughing, splashing, moving) child.

What a learning curve of a 40 weeks it's been...

Currently each day brings something new, mainly at the moment the distance and speed in which he crawls.  

We have happily moved away from 3 clothe changes a day post each mealtime (him and me) to a little boy happy to sit in his highchair and have his mouth open, something akin to a small bird, and happily be fed whatevers on the menu.  Rice cakes are the most. amazing. food. and he can pack away a weetabix and a half in the mornings.  This boy's food bill is going to get expensive!

I've tried to put together pics roughly from each month.  I find it fascinating to look back on how he has changed.  Most noticeably from being a newborn is the hair, gone are the dark locks, replaced by a healthy covering of blonde hair.

James now has 7 teeth, the eighth is slow to make an appearance but to be honest a few weeks of restful sleep is what we all need! 

After a lengthy debate he crawled for the first time last week and in the 7 days since has increased in speed and length, so the stairgates have gone up today!

So far it has been a tremendous journey, one that we definitely underestimated for both the good and the bad reasons and as we are only 40 weeks in who knows what the future brings! 

A few days old

About a month old, in a 'grow that looks huge!

2 months old and a bald-ish baby!

3 months old and the wrinkled forehead of surprise still lingers

4 months and those big brown eyes make most melt

5 months and enjoying food purees

6 months old and banging anything an everything is the way forward

7 months, teeth can now be seen, sitting up is old news and the cute really kicks in

The number is a giveaway but 8 months old, stretching ability is beyond anything previously witnessed

9 months old, after 2 months of thinking about it you finally crawl!